Are stars already sand on Blackpool Beach?

A year ago today, we sadly saw that Baby Jack's heartbeat was gone and discovered that we had lost our third baby at 6 months. I was then and still am now totally devasted, but I am finding my way through the dark days and teaching myself to look at all the wonderful things around me. Most of all I am cherishing what I do have: days filled with the love, laughter, tears and happiness that I share with my beautiful children and incredible children.

I think the recipe for happiness has something to do with loving what you have, living for the moment and doing whatever it is you need to keep the clouds from covering your sun. Today I wore my turquoise wellies to Sainsbury's just because they are shiny and I collected some smooth stones from the beach at Whitstable.

The other day when I was reading Charlie's bedtime story, he noticed I was wearing the memory bracelet I made for Jack and asked if we could look for our star angel. I always point out the brightest star in the sky as Jack and it reminded me of a question from my school days;

Are stars already sand on Blackpool Beach?

I believe it has something to do with the big bang theory and that we may all be made from stardust because carbon matter is produced by supernova explosion. I vaguely remember learning how some light from stars can take so long to travel to earth that the star may have already died, exploded before it reaches here and it's stardust could therefore actually be in essence on this planet. I think that then combined with the theory that there are more stars in the Universe than there are grains of sand on a beach or all the beaches (I can't quite remember which), my dear friend Viki and I were intrigued by whether stars we see in the sky could have exploded generations before we see their light and that their stardust, elements or matter had already formed sand on Blackpool Beach. I suppose the comparison could also be made with stones on shingle beaches. I quite like thinking of today's collection of smooth stones being stardust, it makes them seem even more special.

Another thing that made me smile was that despite the frost, there were still enough nastursiums to make a bouquet from the garden for Jack. If the me from today could go back in time and meet the me from one year ago, the advice I would give is to allow time, it is the only healer sometimes. I hope that the me from next year will have even greater wisdom and that the sadness and pain will fade. My life changed forever a year ago and I know that I will have to fight the depression that has caused but I have alot and for that I am truly grateful.